"I wanted to kick something. I wanted to go purchase everything ridiculous that didn't matter just to prove my frustration. I wanted to use American commercialism to vent my anger, my only purpose being to show its emptiness. I walked around with my camera, shooting black and white melancholy photographs for hours instead." "....And then I remembered that this whole trusting God thing is so much more complicated than what I would like to think. My love for God is not built of the 'fluffy' stuff.... with the small amount I see, and when the injustice bellows around me, there are times where I wonder if anything is sane. including myself. Sometimes things simply don't make sense, or else they make too much. Explain to me evil. It's quite possible- and yet sometimes completely inconceivable.
I really wonder, often, why we are thrown into this huge, horrible broken world of a mess. I mean, we weren't consulted, we weren't asked. Maybe it really is true that God wanted (not needed) us to help fix it, and in doing so, to learn more of Him and His character.
maybe it's easy right now for me to hurl questions at the sky. Maybe it's harder to wonder what God is doing with all of this. How will he possibly bring good, and how will we have any eyes left from crying to see it? Perhaps it is even crazier to trust that God is somehow making His love known, brightness in all this midnight black.
somedays I want to just go and hide my head back in the hole from which it came...and bury it in the sand. And somedays I wish for 'the easy life' (you know, the one that is non-existant) of being sheltered, being blindfolded, being surrounded only by those who love you, by those who only have small discrepancies .... And it will never be. I wonder what I have gotten myself into, and how can I possibly handle it all?... I guess I can't, it's too big for me, and that is why I must do it.
I want to live without my head buried in the sand. I want to live with my head out of the hole- and smile. because then it means something.
......And what it means, that is what changes the world, that is what changes the broken shards of glass. Only that. "
I was walking down the rainy sidewalk yesterday, contemplating, and yes, shooting black and white melancholy photographs in an attempt to release frustration. One form of injustice now brings them all to the front of my mind, and it has become an impossibility to ignore them. Instead, I write. I hash it all out with God. Every time. All over again. And the one thing He always leaves me with is this: Hope.
