the flowing of sand

"But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." -Ps. 73:28

I get weary of being safe. It's too contained. There isn't any real room to breathe........ It always seems so enticing- this false security we box ourselves into. There isn't any real excitement in living that way.....why build up the walls so high that even you can't climb out to see what lies around you? Without the path blanketed in fog, you miss the mystery. Without entering the realm of what seems unsure, you can never be certain of what you think sure.
Walking with God never quite seems safe. Good, yes, but safe.....questionable. There's this deep voice yearning inside, and it lets me know that 'safe' isn't what I really long for. I long for something much larger, something that can't quite be held in my fist, something so beautiful I can't fully comprehend, nor the depths to which it stretches. If I could, I might burst into innumerable bits of brightness that reflected what is incomprehensible.
When I lived in Oregon, I used to take walks on the beach all the time. I loved how the wind whipped around my hair.... how the strong trees had grown bent according to it's rhythm, how it designed patterns in the sand. I used to stand out there and watch as the sand blew in rivulets around me. And every time I looked, I didn't see the streams of sand blowing. I saw God calling people to Himself. I saw them all treading their paths, walking wherever it lead, wherever they were guided. From the beginning of ages until the end, all of them walking out their journeys. And I was aware of how unalone I truly was. I saw the story flowing from the beginning, continuing in one endless thread of faithfulness. I saw the story of who we all are being sketched in the sand, and I heard the song of our story being blown on the wind. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, those rivers of sand.
I've been thinking about the nearness of God quite literally being our good. If all good flows from Him alone, it would only follow that His very nearness is our good, our only good, but our infinite good. I want to walk in those rivers of sand.... I want to journey outside the realm of 'safe' and into the realm of real, of beautiful. I want to know what it means to walk the same path that has been trodden down through the ages.........

when words awaken

When you literally watch as words turn into something you can see, it is a spectacular thing. Something resounds inside you. Something has just been transformed into truth, into reality before your very eyes.

It is like watching a wilderness blossom. To have something that desolate oozing life.... How could we have been so blind as to not see its transformation earlier? It is interesting how few expectations I came here with, I thought I was coming here for more faith.... for more- I don't even think I knew or tried to lay claim that I knew all the lessons God would be teaching me. Funny how the lessons never look quite the way you think they should. Faith is lived out in the practicalities of life. For all the knowledge gained from books, I sometimes think the conversations and relationships we have with others reach much more profound depths than they do.

I am sitting on a couch, listening to Christmas music, wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket....with practically no motivation to do anything besides take a nap. Deep thinking is not within my realm of possibilities nor wants at the moment. Which is why I am going to elaborate on thoughts later. Right now I am perfectly happy and content with a couch and a warm fuzzy blanket and peace.
The joys of simplicity.

Searching for a face

"Lightly men talk of saying what they mean. Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek the fox would say, 'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words." A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"
'til we have faces' -C.S. Lewis

I suffer from wanting to hide. Maybe we all do. We all want to have faces and we all want to know what they look like. Regardless of how ugly they may be, at least they would be real. And it is typical to see the beautiful masks we are all so apt at painting....or the veils we drape over our faces to hide our own dusty reflections.
Seems we are always hiding from some form of reality if we are honest. Sometimes we just hide from being honest. It is brutal and it doesn't make us look good. Honesty isn't the eloquence we would like to promote to others. We want to be seen for the best costume we can put on. We have disguised ourselves so well that even we are fooled. Then comes the piercing light.....the kind that makes everything transparent. The 'beautiful' masks are really hideous.... the veil hides emptiness.... and we don't have a face until we find the one that has been given to us, and until we have something to show us a proper reflection.... not a dim and dying one.
I am writing again in the hopes of digging out that word. I am searching for a face that more fully reflects the one I was given, that reflects light from the one who gave it. And I am searching for honesty, however brutal it may be, however ugly or inconceivable it may appear through my half-awakened eyes, so that I may see more clearly the one I have been seeking out since this life began. It seems true, that if we aren't willing to have a face, to find our face, that we cannot expect to ever speak face to face with our God. And in finding ourselves we get lost in Him. The paradox continues. This journey seems to have no end, and I am never sure where the next footfall will take me. Let the search continue.....

Why do I write on here as if someone is reading this ridiculousness? I don't even know. I think I'll just turn it into a verbal processing page for all of my thoughts. I need to go clean.

hey there

I'm back....maybe, we'll see how long this lasts...between once I am using myspace again, and also xanga.....so....yeah, you do the math.
I just felt like updating my blogspot...and I will probably write something possibly worth actually reading in a day or so...after I get some sleep : ) night all.

ridiculous obsessions

wow, so it's been forever... where to start? umm... I moved this week, well, technically I guess it was last week... or both. I just checked everyone's blog sites from rock belfast.. and it made me miss NI and everyone there so much. I can't wait to see everyone again... even though it won't be for months.... I'm working 2 jobs at the moment... one is at a bookstore, and I absolutely love it. Everyone who works there is so great. I can't wait for snow. If it's gonna be cold, we might as well have snow. We should at least have something to be happy about when it's cold : ) .

Why do you think it's so hard for us (humans) to let go of the notion that we need "stuff" ? I know some of it is for enjoyment or entertainment, but it feels like we let it control our lives. I'm doing something interesting for lent this year. and, I hope it'll help change me. I'm not going to spend any money on anything other than what I need,... basically, no extras.... just food,shampoo, soap, etc... and bills. No clothes buying, no books, magazines, music, whatever... nothing extra. for forty days, which should also make me be creative, because I won't be doing anything that costs money, such as going to the movies... I guess if people want to hang out with me we'll have to do stuff that is free. personally I usually have more fun anyways,... cause you actually get to hang out that way.
I think we are always trying to rationalize what God wants us to do, and trying to lessen what he wants us to give up. We dismiss things so easily. And it really disturbs me every time I realize I actually care about having certain things, (like nice things- and I don't even usually take it over-board.) Because I realize that I too am caught up in this whole society obsessed with stuff and things, and how good they are, and what defines our status in life. And it's all a bunch of crap. None of this (all our "stuff") defines who we are or what our status is... we are people... simple as that, who all have basically the same needs, and we are caught up in some show making fools of ourselves to God because we think otherwise. and we insist on thinking otherwise and on living that way and it gets us nowhere. This explains much of life.