"I wanted to kick something. I wanted to go purchase everything ridiculous that didn't matter just to prove my frustration. I wanted to use American commercialism to vent my anger, my only purpose being to show its emptiness. I walked around with my camera, shooting black and white melancholy photographs for hours instead." "....And then I remembered that this whole trusting God thing is so much more complicated than what I would like to think. My love for God is not built of the 'fluffy' stuff.... with the small amount I see, and when the injustice bellows around me, there are times where I wonder if anything is sane. including myself. Sometimes things simply don't make sense, or else they make too much. Explain to me evil. It's quite possible- and yet sometimes completely inconceivable.
I really wonder, often, why we are thrown into this huge, horrible broken world of a mess. I mean, we weren't consulted, we weren't asked. Maybe it really is true that God wanted (not needed) us to help fix it, and in doing so, to learn more of Him and His character.
maybe it's easy right now for me to hurl questions at the sky. Maybe it's harder to wonder what God is doing with all of this. How will he possibly bring good, and how will we have any eyes left from crying to see it? Perhaps it is even crazier to trust that God is somehow making His love known, brightness in all this midnight black.
somedays I want to just go and hide my head back in the hole from which it came...and bury it in the sand. And somedays I wish for 'the easy life' (you know, the one that is non-existant) of being sheltered, being blindfolded, being surrounded only by those who love you, by those who only have small discrepancies .... And it will never be. I wonder what I have gotten myself into, and how can I possibly handle it all?... I guess I can't, it's too big for me, and that is why I must do it.
I want to live without my head buried in the sand. I want to live with my head out of the hole- and smile. because then it means something.
......And what it means, that is what changes the world, that is what changes the broken shards of glass. Only that. "
I was walking down the rainy sidewalk yesterday, contemplating, and yes, shooting black and white melancholy photographs in an attempt to release frustration. One form of injustice now brings them all to the front of my mind, and it has become an impossibility to ignore them. Instead, I write. I hash it all out with God. Every time. All over again. And the one thing He always leaves me with is this: Hope.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
clarity
Not sure where I stand tonight. I am so happy that I am headed off to India tomorrow with 9 other amazing people. And I know it will be amazing. But I just wish I had clarity on other things tonight. I think it would make leaving tomorrow for India easier. Oh well, God never promised easy, but He will go with us. And if I can't have clarity, at least I can pray for peace. So, regardless of whether it is easy or bittersweet to leave, I will go with my hand in His, my gaze on Him, and His peace in my heart.
what lies beyond the crimson-gold horizon?
journal entry:
December 27th 2007
Stayed up all night, drove to the airport at 4am, only to have my flight get into Atlanta late, and there I am, probably one minute too late to make it through the gate. My patience tried. I haven't slept, I'm stuck in Atlanta 'til at least 12:30 and the guy at the gate was rude to me. And I wanted to cry, only out of sheer exhaustion/ frustration. I wanted nothing more than to get back to Connecticut as soon as possible.....mostly to sleep. But then I sat, turned on music, and what should I listen to but a song by Derek Webb called "Love is not against the law".
And now I remember laughing at the fog this morning at 4:30 am, I haven't ever found fog that hilarious. It was so thick I could only see maybe fifteen feet around the car. And for some reason that was so amusing I couldn't keep the laughter contained. I remember this morning when the plane left the ground, floating up through the thick blanket of clouds, and we, in one instant, broke free. There was the endless sea of white waves, with a crimson gold horizon. I wanted to know what was beyond that horizon, my mind and eyes, as tired as they were, could not even begin to soak in all the awe. I wanted to know how He did it. I don't mean scientific ways of creating. I want to know how one voice spoke so simply and THAT appeared.
I ponder as I look around this terminal, the people and their faces. Have they seen it? Do they realize? Do they realize He did all that- for them (and even more)? Can they begin to grasp the amount of love that dwells in this room with them this very moment? How can I smile enough to say it? I see the love God has for them-every single one. Do they sit oblivious, or do they know?
I want them to know, I ache for them to know that God, our God, created that sea of clouds for them with the crimson gold horizon, just to make their heart skip a beat at the majesty and wonder of the very outrageous thought of it.
~ The time in the airport reminded me, yet again.... That life is more than what we eat, drink, wear, worry about, our fears, or our needs. And it matters how we live each moment, because moments make up days, and our days make up our lives.
December 27th 2007
Stayed up all night, drove to the airport at 4am, only to have my flight get into Atlanta late, and there I am, probably one minute too late to make it through the gate. My patience tried. I haven't slept, I'm stuck in Atlanta 'til at least 12:30 and the guy at the gate was rude to me. And I wanted to cry, only out of sheer exhaustion/ frustration. I wanted nothing more than to get back to Connecticut as soon as possible.....mostly to sleep. But then I sat, turned on music, and what should I listen to but a song by Derek Webb called "Love is not against the law".
And now I remember laughing at the fog this morning at 4:30 am, I haven't ever found fog that hilarious. It was so thick I could only see maybe fifteen feet around the car. And for some reason that was so amusing I couldn't keep the laughter contained. I remember this morning when the plane left the ground, floating up through the thick blanket of clouds, and we, in one instant, broke free. There was the endless sea of white waves, with a crimson gold horizon. I wanted to know what was beyond that horizon, my mind and eyes, as tired as they were, could not even begin to soak in all the awe. I wanted to know how He did it. I don't mean scientific ways of creating. I want to know how one voice spoke so simply and THAT appeared.
I ponder as I look around this terminal, the people and their faces. Have they seen it? Do they realize? Do they realize He did all that- for them (and even more)? Can they begin to grasp the amount of love that dwells in this room with them this very moment? How can I smile enough to say it? I see the love God has for them-every single one. Do they sit oblivious, or do they know?
I want them to know, I ache for them to know that God, our God, created that sea of clouds for them with the crimson gold horizon, just to make their heart skip a beat at the majesty and wonder of the very outrageous thought of it.
~ The time in the airport reminded me, yet again.... That life is more than what we eat, drink, wear, worry about, our fears, or our needs. And it matters how we live each moment, because moments make up days, and our days make up our lives.
Friday, December 14, 2007
new every morning
Father, forgive for the times we don't fully seek you even though it may seem hard, even though it may take more effort than we want to put forth.
Thank you that you want to take our right hands and you want to guide us, and you want us to be so near that you can lean in and whisper in our ear. Thank you for the snowy wonderland outside, thank you for new breath this morning. Thank you for reminding me that there is much more in life that I don't see or comprehend. For the mornings and times that glisten with snow, that make us gleeful to take our first step out the doorway in the morning and our first intake of fresh, crisp air that dances with joy. Thank you for the beauty you created and the things you gave us to perceive that beauty. Thank you for all our tears that fall into your hand and all of our hearts musings and aches and joys that reach your own heart. Thank you that there is so much more to life than food and clothing, and the things we need. Thank you that you have not left it empty, nor failed to provide. Thank you for the opportunity to live in gratefulness (even though so much of the time we do not). And thank you for this all-encompassing good thing which stretches to depths we cannot comprehend. The thing we search and seek for, the one thing we may always be built up by, always have confidence in, always find our being in, and our joy and capacity to give. The one thing we are born into this world to find: thank you for Your Love.
"what then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? Is it God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
'For your sake we are being killed all
the day long,
we are regarded as sheep to be
slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Rom. 8:31-39
I could have continued this morning with my thanks, because the list did not end..... Only the clock would have run out of time.....and all my pens, their ink. God left a list of Grace that cannot be finished.......because it runs out into all eternity.
Thank you that you want to take our right hands and you want to guide us, and you want us to be so near that you can lean in and whisper in our ear. Thank you for the snowy wonderland outside, thank you for new breath this morning. Thank you for reminding me that there is much more in life that I don't see or comprehend. For the mornings and times that glisten with snow, that make us gleeful to take our first step out the doorway in the morning and our first intake of fresh, crisp air that dances with joy. Thank you for the beauty you created and the things you gave us to perceive that beauty. Thank you for all our tears that fall into your hand and all of our hearts musings and aches and joys that reach your own heart. Thank you that there is so much more to life than food and clothing, and the things we need. Thank you that you have not left it empty, nor failed to provide. Thank you for the opportunity to live in gratefulness (even though so much of the time we do not). And thank you for this all-encompassing good thing which stretches to depths we cannot comprehend. The thing we search and seek for, the one thing we may always be built up by, always have confidence in, always find our being in, and our joy and capacity to give. The one thing we are born into this world to find: thank you for Your Love.
"what then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? Is it God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
'For your sake we are being killed all
the day long,
we are regarded as sheep to be
slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Rom. 8:31-39
I could have continued this morning with my thanks, because the list did not end..... Only the clock would have run out of time.....and all my pens, their ink. God left a list of Grace that cannot be finished.......because it runs out into all eternity.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
snowy daydreams
We had India prep time today, realized it was lunch time, and promptly abandoned our seats on the couch, but not for lunch. We went in search of a more productive pursuit: Snowball fights. Kendra and I made it outside before everyone else, and decided on a plan of action. We made good use of the garbage cans. We transformed them into our fort. I always knew those garbage cans weren't living up to their full potential. Well, I'm happy to say that today they did.
Sometimes I am so amazed at the simplicity that people are reduced to when certain things happen. Snow falling would be one of those instances. Suddenly there is nothing better to do than to find some sort of creative thing to use snow for. (unless you don't like snow of course)Throw it, jump in it, build things out of it, lay in it, use it to propel yourself forward at high speeds (sledding).....really the possibilities are endless. I guess one of the most amazing things is how joyful and carefree you can become....age is temporarily forgotten and in one moment everyone involved becomes ageless. It is something you should never grow too old to enjoy.
I guess sometimes I forget to really see this wonderland all around me, but one thing that always brings me back to reality is snow. I can never look at it and question what kind of miraculous world I am a part of. I think God gave us just enough things to be completely at home with, and just enough things to completely marvel at. We can never quite lose the sense of being at home....and yet a foreigner in our own country. Maybe tonight my words are cut short, I don't have anything profound to write, and most of the time my words don't come out sounding eloquent anyway. I just know there is something good, something simple in enjoying the snow God gave us that makes Him smile. We are His children, and I think He loves to see us act like it.
Sometimes I am so amazed at the simplicity that people are reduced to when certain things happen. Snow falling would be one of those instances. Suddenly there is nothing better to do than to find some sort of creative thing to use snow for. (unless you don't like snow of course)Throw it, jump in it, build things out of it, lay in it, use it to propel yourself forward at high speeds (sledding).....really the possibilities are endless. I guess one of the most amazing things is how joyful and carefree you can become....age is temporarily forgotten and in one moment everyone involved becomes ageless. It is something you should never grow too old to enjoy.
I guess sometimes I forget to really see this wonderland all around me, but one thing that always brings me back to reality is snow. I can never look at it and question what kind of miraculous world I am a part of. I think God gave us just enough things to be completely at home with, and just enough things to completely marvel at. We can never quite lose the sense of being at home....and yet a foreigner in our own country. Maybe tonight my words are cut short, I don't have anything profound to write, and most of the time my words don't come out sounding eloquent anyway. I just know there is something good, something simple in enjoying the snow God gave us that makes Him smile. We are His children, and I think He loves to see us act like it.
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