well. The months have passed and summer is nearly over, and I am faced with the reality of having been in the same place (with the exception of India for a month, and illinois for vaca.) for nearly a year. And it seems odd. It always seems odd. Every time a year has passed I glance at the memory of a year ago....and I don't seem like the same person. I'm rarely in the same place..... It brings joy and pain. And autumn always seems to be my time of reflecting. Maybe autumns were created for that. The only reasons I say it brings 'pain', which I guess isn't the appropriate word for the description, 'pangs' would be more accurate, is that when I look back I always find moments I wish I could return to again, things I could capture for an eternity. The pangs aren't really bad, they remind me that someday I will look back with an aching heart on these days, these moments, and want to recapture them. They remind me to face each day with the appreciation appropriate for it. I won't ever be able to come back to them, not the same way, not with the same eyes, and not as the same person. My moments won't ever be repeated, and I can't live or stay in them or I will miss the ones happening right now.
I'm not even sure where these words are taking me, I just know sometimes we forget that we are actually alive. We forget what it feels like to breathe deeply, to look and be bewildered by a blade of grass, growing from this stuff we call dirt. we forget what it feels like to lay in the shade of a tree with the clouds and the breeze giving us a concert. We forget to hear the song in the morning as the sun walks it's course..... And suddenly we are less human than we were before. We look at our days with a lazy eye and we fail to be amazed.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saturday, February 09, 2008
running in circles
"I wanted to kick something. I wanted to go purchase everything ridiculous that didn't matter just to prove my frustration. I wanted to use American commercialism to vent my anger, my only purpose being to show its emptiness. I walked around with my camera, shooting black and white melancholy photographs for hours instead." "....And then I remembered that this whole trusting God thing is so much more complicated than what I would like to think. My love for God is not built of the 'fluffy' stuff.... with the small amount I see, and when the injustice bellows around me, there are times where I wonder if anything is sane. including myself. Sometimes things simply don't make sense, or else they make too much. Explain to me evil. It's quite possible- and yet sometimes completely inconceivable.
I really wonder, often, why we are thrown into this huge, horrible broken world of a mess. I mean, we weren't consulted, we weren't asked. Maybe it really is true that God wanted (not needed) us to help fix it, and in doing so, to learn more of Him and His character.
maybe it's easy right now for me to hurl questions at the sky. Maybe it's harder to wonder what God is doing with all of this. How will he possibly bring good, and how will we have any eyes left from crying to see it? Perhaps it is even crazier to trust that God is somehow making His love known, brightness in all this midnight black.
somedays I want to just go and hide my head back in the hole from which it came...and bury it in the sand. And somedays I wish for 'the easy life' (you know, the one that is non-existant) of being sheltered, being blindfolded, being surrounded only by those who love you, by those who only have small discrepancies .... And it will never be. I wonder what I have gotten myself into, and how can I possibly handle it all?... I guess I can't, it's too big for me, and that is why I must do it.
I want to live without my head buried in the sand. I want to live with my head out of the hole- and smile. because then it means something.
......And what it means, that is what changes the world, that is what changes the broken shards of glass. Only that. "
I was walking down the rainy sidewalk yesterday, contemplating, and yes, shooting black and white melancholy photographs in an attempt to release frustration. One form of injustice now brings them all to the front of my mind, and it has become an impossibility to ignore them. Instead, I write. I hash it all out with God. Every time. All over again. And the one thing He always leaves me with is this: Hope.
I really wonder, often, why we are thrown into this huge, horrible broken world of a mess. I mean, we weren't consulted, we weren't asked. Maybe it really is true that God wanted (not needed) us to help fix it, and in doing so, to learn more of Him and His character.
maybe it's easy right now for me to hurl questions at the sky. Maybe it's harder to wonder what God is doing with all of this. How will he possibly bring good, and how will we have any eyes left from crying to see it? Perhaps it is even crazier to trust that God is somehow making His love known, brightness in all this midnight black.
somedays I want to just go and hide my head back in the hole from which it came...and bury it in the sand. And somedays I wish for 'the easy life' (you know, the one that is non-existant) of being sheltered, being blindfolded, being surrounded only by those who love you, by those who only have small discrepancies .... And it will never be. I wonder what I have gotten myself into, and how can I possibly handle it all?... I guess I can't, it's too big for me, and that is why I must do it.
I want to live without my head buried in the sand. I want to live with my head out of the hole- and smile. because then it means something.
......And what it means, that is what changes the world, that is what changes the broken shards of glass. Only that. "
I was walking down the rainy sidewalk yesterday, contemplating, and yes, shooting black and white melancholy photographs in an attempt to release frustration. One form of injustice now brings them all to the front of my mind, and it has become an impossibility to ignore them. Instead, I write. I hash it all out with God. Every time. All over again. And the one thing He always leaves me with is this: Hope.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
clarity
Not sure where I stand tonight. I am so happy that I am headed off to India tomorrow with 9 other amazing people. And I know it will be amazing. But I just wish I had clarity on other things tonight. I think it would make leaving tomorrow for India easier. Oh well, God never promised easy, but He will go with us. And if I can't have clarity, at least I can pray for peace. So, regardless of whether it is easy or bittersweet to leave, I will go with my hand in His, my gaze on Him, and His peace in my heart.
what lies beyond the crimson-gold horizon?
journal entry:
December 27th 2007
Stayed up all night, drove to the airport at 4am, only to have my flight get into Atlanta late, and there I am, probably one minute too late to make it through the gate. My patience tried. I haven't slept, I'm stuck in Atlanta 'til at least 12:30 and the guy at the gate was rude to me. And I wanted to cry, only out of sheer exhaustion/ frustration. I wanted nothing more than to get back to Connecticut as soon as possible.....mostly to sleep. But then I sat, turned on music, and what should I listen to but a song by Derek Webb called "Love is not against the law".
And now I remember laughing at the fog this morning at 4:30 am, I haven't ever found fog that hilarious. It was so thick I could only see maybe fifteen feet around the car. And for some reason that was so amusing I couldn't keep the laughter contained. I remember this morning when the plane left the ground, floating up through the thick blanket of clouds, and we, in one instant, broke free. There was the endless sea of white waves, with a crimson gold horizon. I wanted to know what was beyond that horizon, my mind and eyes, as tired as they were, could not even begin to soak in all the awe. I wanted to know how He did it. I don't mean scientific ways of creating. I want to know how one voice spoke so simply and THAT appeared.
I ponder as I look around this terminal, the people and their faces. Have they seen it? Do they realize? Do they realize He did all that- for them (and even more)? Can they begin to grasp the amount of love that dwells in this room with them this very moment? How can I smile enough to say it? I see the love God has for them-every single one. Do they sit oblivious, or do they know?
I want them to know, I ache for them to know that God, our God, created that sea of clouds for them with the crimson gold horizon, just to make their heart skip a beat at the majesty and wonder of the very outrageous thought of it.
~ The time in the airport reminded me, yet again.... That life is more than what we eat, drink, wear, worry about, our fears, or our needs. And it matters how we live each moment, because moments make up days, and our days make up our lives.
December 27th 2007
Stayed up all night, drove to the airport at 4am, only to have my flight get into Atlanta late, and there I am, probably one minute too late to make it through the gate. My patience tried. I haven't slept, I'm stuck in Atlanta 'til at least 12:30 and the guy at the gate was rude to me. And I wanted to cry, only out of sheer exhaustion/ frustration. I wanted nothing more than to get back to Connecticut as soon as possible.....mostly to sleep. But then I sat, turned on music, and what should I listen to but a song by Derek Webb called "Love is not against the law".
And now I remember laughing at the fog this morning at 4:30 am, I haven't ever found fog that hilarious. It was so thick I could only see maybe fifteen feet around the car. And for some reason that was so amusing I couldn't keep the laughter contained. I remember this morning when the plane left the ground, floating up through the thick blanket of clouds, and we, in one instant, broke free. There was the endless sea of white waves, with a crimson gold horizon. I wanted to know what was beyond that horizon, my mind and eyes, as tired as they were, could not even begin to soak in all the awe. I wanted to know how He did it. I don't mean scientific ways of creating. I want to know how one voice spoke so simply and THAT appeared.
I ponder as I look around this terminal, the people and their faces. Have they seen it? Do they realize? Do they realize He did all that- for them (and even more)? Can they begin to grasp the amount of love that dwells in this room with them this very moment? How can I smile enough to say it? I see the love God has for them-every single one. Do they sit oblivious, or do they know?
I want them to know, I ache for them to know that God, our God, created that sea of clouds for them with the crimson gold horizon, just to make their heart skip a beat at the majesty and wonder of the very outrageous thought of it.
~ The time in the airport reminded me, yet again.... That life is more than what we eat, drink, wear, worry about, our fears, or our needs. And it matters how we live each moment, because moments make up days, and our days make up our lives.
Friday, December 14, 2007
new every morning
Father, forgive for the times we don't fully seek you even though it may seem hard, even though it may take more effort than we want to put forth.
Thank you that you want to take our right hands and you want to guide us, and you want us to be so near that you can lean in and whisper in our ear. Thank you for the snowy wonderland outside, thank you for new breath this morning. Thank you for reminding me that there is much more in life that I don't see or comprehend. For the mornings and times that glisten with snow, that make us gleeful to take our first step out the doorway in the morning and our first intake of fresh, crisp air that dances with joy. Thank you for the beauty you created and the things you gave us to perceive that beauty. Thank you for all our tears that fall into your hand and all of our hearts musings and aches and joys that reach your own heart. Thank you that there is so much more to life than food and clothing, and the things we need. Thank you that you have not left it empty, nor failed to provide. Thank you for the opportunity to live in gratefulness (even though so much of the time we do not). And thank you for this all-encompassing good thing which stretches to depths we cannot comprehend. The thing we search and seek for, the one thing we may always be built up by, always have confidence in, always find our being in, and our joy and capacity to give. The one thing we are born into this world to find: thank you for Your Love.
"what then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? Is it God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
'For your sake we are being killed all
the day long,
we are regarded as sheep to be
slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Rom. 8:31-39
I could have continued this morning with my thanks, because the list did not end..... Only the clock would have run out of time.....and all my pens, their ink. God left a list of Grace that cannot be finished.......because it runs out into all eternity.
Thank you that you want to take our right hands and you want to guide us, and you want us to be so near that you can lean in and whisper in our ear. Thank you for the snowy wonderland outside, thank you for new breath this morning. Thank you for reminding me that there is much more in life that I don't see or comprehend. For the mornings and times that glisten with snow, that make us gleeful to take our first step out the doorway in the morning and our first intake of fresh, crisp air that dances with joy. Thank you for the beauty you created and the things you gave us to perceive that beauty. Thank you for all our tears that fall into your hand and all of our hearts musings and aches and joys that reach your own heart. Thank you that there is so much more to life than food and clothing, and the things we need. Thank you that you have not left it empty, nor failed to provide. Thank you for the opportunity to live in gratefulness (even though so much of the time we do not). And thank you for this all-encompassing good thing which stretches to depths we cannot comprehend. The thing we search and seek for, the one thing we may always be built up by, always have confidence in, always find our being in, and our joy and capacity to give. The one thing we are born into this world to find: thank you for Your Love.
"what then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? Is it God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
'For your sake we are being killed all
the day long,
we are regarded as sheep to be
slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Rom. 8:31-39
I could have continued this morning with my thanks, because the list did not end..... Only the clock would have run out of time.....and all my pens, their ink. God left a list of Grace that cannot be finished.......because it runs out into all eternity.
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