I'm so far down, I'm beginning to breathe

I've been avoiding writing, actually it would probably be accurate to say I've been avoiding almost everything the past couple months. It's the delusion of thinking that somehow, if I just ignore the state of confusion I am in, maybe it will altogether disappear. I have a wry grin stored up for myself on that one. I know just how absurd it is to think that anything will right itself if just ignored for long enough.
It's fine. I'm confused. About almost everything you can be confused about.
And the only reason I am confused about any of it is because, like the silly human I am, I stubbornly refuse to admit that things can and will probably look vastly different than any sort of expectations my mind has conjured up. That is life. That is what it means to trust in something beyond your own plans, beyond your own humanity. Evidently I have issues with that little word and it's implications.
Trust.
Evidently most of us do.
And it seems to me, the more you cling to the things you want, the more you try to make things what you think they should be.......the more they evade you. We were never meant to be master over our lives in that sense. After all, you don't really get to choose whether you live or die. (some people chose when, unfortunately) And you didn't get to choose whether you were born. (yes, we were given free will, but there are some things we don't get to choose, only how we respond ...I'm not gonna get into that)
So I think maybe it's time to stop pushing so hard to 'figure things out'....maybe it was never about that. Maybe in the midst of feeling as though I don't know much of anything I am much closer to the truth than when I am arrogant enough to actually think I see half of what God is doing, or planning, or trying to get me to realize. Maybe this is the only place I really need to be. I don't have the slightest clue why I am where I'm at right now, I don't know how God is using it, and I don't really know what He is trying to teach me. And add to that a nice (or not so much) dose of pain.

But what I do know:

Regardless of what I see, what I'm going through, God remains who He is. And He has always been there, He's always been walking with me, trying to get me to hear his whisper and see his face. Nothing ever separates me from his love (because nothing can ever erase what Jesus has done) And I would rather have that one certainty and have everything else in mass chaos, than to be sure of everything else without it......
I will trade all my plans, all my expectations, all musings of how life should be; I will trade everything for one sure love.