ridiculous obsessions

wow, so it's been forever... where to start? umm... I moved this week, well, technically I guess it was last week... or both. I just checked everyone's blog sites from rock belfast.. and it made me miss NI and everyone there so much. I can't wait to see everyone again... even though it won't be for months.... I'm working 2 jobs at the moment... one is at a bookstore, and I absolutely love it. Everyone who works there is so great. I can't wait for snow. If it's gonna be cold, we might as well have snow. We should at least have something to be happy about when it's cold : ) .

Why do you think it's so hard for us (humans) to let go of the notion that we need "stuff" ? I know some of it is for enjoyment or entertainment, but it feels like we let it control our lives. I'm doing something interesting for lent this year. and, I hope it'll help change me. I'm not going to spend any money on anything other than what I need,... basically, no extras.... just food,shampoo, soap, etc... and bills. No clothes buying, no books, magazines, music, whatever... nothing extra. for forty days, which should also make me be creative, because I won't be doing anything that costs money, such as going to the movies... I guess if people want to hang out with me we'll have to do stuff that is free. personally I usually have more fun anyways,... cause you actually get to hang out that way.
I think we are always trying to rationalize what God wants us to do, and trying to lessen what he wants us to give up. We dismiss things so easily. And it really disturbs me every time I realize I actually care about having certain things, (like nice things- and I don't even usually take it over-board.) Because I realize that I too am caught up in this whole society obsessed with stuff and things, and how good they are, and what defines our status in life. And it's all a bunch of crap. None of this (all our "stuff") defines who we are or what our status is... we are people... simple as that, who all have basically the same needs, and we are caught up in some show making fools of ourselves to God because we think otherwise. and we insist on thinking otherwise and on living that way and it gets us nowhere. This explains much of life.

Autumn Leaves

I was walking around today, and I couldn't help but wonder how something dying could be so beautiful. Do you think our lives are kind of like that? like the leaves? They change from season to season, but autumn leaves..... wow. If our lives are lived right do they show this hidden brilliance right before they're over? Is it as though in an instant the lives we've lived and the things we've done make more sense, point to something beautiful? to God? Maybe some sort of wisdom is revealed in that moment that all the other things clogging our lives up before kept hidden. maybe it's then when we begin to realize what this whole life thing was really all about.
In the last book of the chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis writes that the reason we found certain things joyful, certain things beautiful, etc... in this life, in this world, is because those things or moments were bits or small reflections of heaven- of real reality...
The only reason there is any beauty in this world, the only reason there is any joy, any good, is because it came from God, reflects to God, speaks of God...whether we are always conscious of it or not.
The thought is completely overwhelming. To know that the things we find beautiful and breathtaking are only in small comparison.....

I was riding the bus today. bus people are interesting. you meet all types, I'm shy, so I don't say much unless spoken to, but sometimes the bits of conversation you hear are interesting. Today, one lady was talki;ng about God, and how we'll understand everything when we get to heaven. I know that's the typical view, and I'm not arguing against it. But I think it's more that when we see God, we'll realize what it was all about. I'm not sure we'll even realize everything, (as we think of it) maybe it will be everything falling into place because God is there and we are there with Him. Maybe realizing everything will be about realizing that it was never the knowledge itself that we really wanted. We don't need to know everything. By knowing God, we do know everything. Maybe we just never thought about it like that while we were here, stuck on this earth.

life

I guess this post will be about life ( yep, that's a bit general) that's what all my writing is about, and if it isn't, it should be. I recently finished a book by an author I really, really love reading- (through painted deserts, by don miller) I also recently got back from a friend's wedding in another state. I've been frustrated with myself, for in someways forgetting that I don't need all this STUFF. I don't live an extravagent life by any means, but I think there have been times in my life where I go without many things, and guess what, you don't really need them... you are happier without them... the more you buy and spend, the more you want and think you need. It's a disease. I think most american's and probably alot of other countries are affected by it. In this book, well, I'll just sum it up by saying, he got away from all that, found out that life is about much more than what commercials would have you believe, and was much happier for it. It's not that hard for me to get away from it in Northern Ireland, I have a limited amount of money over there, and most of it- if not all, goes for food and rent. It's not hard in a place that beautiful, with friends, and things to do to realize that commercials do not hold my dreams, and they don't hold my heart.
What is this life really all about?
you won't find the answer to that question unless you really mean it, unless you really want the answer.....and you probably won't be able to give a good description of it once you have found out, but you will be able to live it.
I wonder what we've done to ourselves, how all this greed developed, how everything centers around ourselves. It's really almost funny. why are we so attracted by all this stuff? what good does it do us? Really, honestly, what good does it do us? can you see the humor in it?

I'm back

Here I am, left apologizing once again, (to the very few if any people who still read this) for having not blogged in ages. The excuse is the same as the previous time, however, I miss writing. I haven't been writing much lately, and I miss it. It feels as though all the "deep" thoughts I have or reminiscing I do, are no longer in existence, or are just as easily forgotten after they are gone-with no record left. Anyways, here's a new post, I'm not sure what it's going to be about yet : )

"we were meant to live for so much more..."

so, all apologies for my lack of blogging. somehow I've gotten sucked into myspace and ended up blogging there lately........it was more convenient....that's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it. On a different note, I've been listening to the new switchfoot cd, which I really like. I started reading ecclesiastes this morning, (woo-hoo, I have a saturday off work, how did that happen?? ) and thinking about how it's supposed to show us how pointless everything is without God......And as I'm reading, I'm thinking ( not really anything I haven't thought before, but still important) anyways, to keep things short, I think a lot of times we get caught up in life, we think about all these simple or possibly complicated things we think need done, but we forget why they are important or why we even bother doing them. It's like we still acknowledge God in our life, still remember why we live, but we've left him out of the smaller things, if you get me, which really means he's not so much in the bigger things as we think make ourselves think he is. Take an example- we work, or go to school, why? because if it's for the sake of it, or if it's only for enjoyment where's the purpose in that? Ok, so say you're going to school to get an education because you need that education to do something you feel God wants you to do. say you have to work for that education, say you have to save money for that education, - all this results from doing what God wants you to do. The thing is , we forget that. We need a job because we need money, we need money so we can go to school, we need school so we can do whatever it was we thought God wanted us to do (this is just an example) notice God only comes into the picture at the end of the sentence even though he was in effect, the underlying cause of it all. So, maybe instead, we work, because it is an opportunity to do many things at once, - to show others God's love, to be an example of working for something, etc... maybe we use our money in a way..... you get the picture? oh, and to use a verse that most everyone has heard, probably loads of times, This is what life is all about: He said to him, "what is written in the law? What do you read there?" He answered, "You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." And he siad to him, "you have given the right answer; do this, and you will live. " Jesus proceeded to tell the story of the good samaritan. But this is why I bring up this verse, crazy though it may seem to other people, this is why we are here. We have this mindset that we are here to be successful, to be famous, to live a good life, to have a family, etc... nothing is wrong with these things, but, they aren't the reason we are here. We think it's foolish when people don't go to college, or when they have a certain job, or when we don't consider what they do successful. And really, quite honestly, I think a lot of times real christians look like idiots to other people,because what they are doing doesn't make any sense to their mindset. That's because our goals or our reasons for living are in conflict. We live to love God and to love others, let this be our goal in life, nothing else really matters. It encompasses everything.

ordinary adventures

It seems like it's been absolute ages since I've written. Or possibly better phrased: really, truly written. Does that make sense? I've been dying for a chance to really write, it seems like, for a couple months now. I guess I can make all kinds of excuses, I've been busy, haven't had the time on the computer, loads of things and distractions. They all sound like really bad reasons now.
I was lying on the floor earlier listening to Jason Mraz.... and was so rudely interrupted by the realization that somehow there was a wasp in my room (who I might add didn't sound very happy) buzzing around on the ceiling. I don't like bees, or wasps, or for that matter (I'm pretty sure) anything with a stinger..... So I hastily left my room. I'm at a loss now as to what happened to the wasp....maybe it got back outside... all I know is it's no longer within viewing or hearing, So I resumed the lying on the floor and listening to Jason Mraz... One of my favorite things to do, listen to music and think. It is a great hobby. (I've not actually decided whether this is a waste of time or not, some people might say so, but I think unless you should be doing something else, it's not.) For me it is a great way to relax, think, and talk to God. I typically have interesting conversations with him. So I was lying there, listening, and being perfectly content... ok, maybe not perfectly, but I was content. There are so many different things to do in life, and to be honest I like the moments best when it doesn't really matter what I end up doing, so long as I'm following God. The moments where I feel like an adventurer but at the same time not so much. Any option is available to me, God has free chance to take me or use me for what he will- without me worrying my little head about it, great adventures don't seem so massive. On the other hand, He makes every mundane thing about living a perfectly 'ordinary' (although I still haven't figured out the true meaning of that word) life, seem like some huge adventure.... So you see it's kind of backwards. The big things don't seem impossible or overwhelming, the little things don't seem so boring or meaningless. That is what happens... I like days, or moments when I am fully aware of this, it makes me see life as it should be. Maybe it makes me live life as it was meant to be lived... too bad I don't have that mindset constantly.

Uncertainty-The one thing people usually fear most, and the one thing that usually leads to the most fear. I used to hate it. Sometimes I still do. The problem with that is that life is uncertain. We spend most of our lives struggling and wresting with that fact. Fighting against it, doing everything in our power to prevent it or ignore it and pretend it's not there, hoping that someday we will have accomplished the impossible and actually wished uncertainty away through our own hard work. Then something happens and you realize that will never happen, we have limited power. The problem is most people still continue to struggle with uncertainty their entire lives, hoping to get the better of it in the end rather than finding something that is certain and no longer worrying about the rest. Often times people who do find the something that is certain (I am talking about God, in case you've not figured that out yet) still fear the uncertain, which makes no sense to me, because something that contains everything certain knows everything we deem uncertain. Therefore canceling it out. Just not necessarily from our view point. We still have no idea what can, will, or could happen. But we know one who does. We still have a very limited power over the things that do happen. But we know someone who has power to control everything. Why do we still fear uncertainty? could it be that we don't trust the one person we should? There is no other reason. If you do trust Him, then in essence uncertainty does not exist. How can it if you know complete Certainty? - there is no room left for uncertainty.
I could almost laugh at myself right now. To have no fears, no worries, - Jesus wasn't being sarcastic when he said don't worry about things. You see, he knew God, truly and fully, he understood what it meant to know him, to trust him. And you see if only we would listen, we would be perfectly content. Because if we know God we realize he has the best intentions for us, he know what we want, what we need, and what will make us actually happy. How do we manage to hit it so far off the mark nearly everytime? How do we manage to convince ourselves that we aren't so entirely wrapped up and involved in every way with trusting God, knowing God, that seperation from that seems so completely impossible, unconceivable... that we would never dream of it? Who knew worrying had such large implications?
Anyways, must say before I go for now, that I'm in a very appreciative mood, and thank you to the creator of this all..... life is overwhelming, and the times when it is most real, and yet not so are the times when I can see you the clearest.

Exodus

So I started reading my bible over from the beginning about a couple of weeks ago. Today when I was reading I noticed something... In exodus, when Moses and Aaron keep asking the pharoah to let God's people go to worship him... Well, here's the verse and I'm sure you've heard it: "The egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I stretch out my hand againstEgypt and bring the Israelites out from among them." Well, I don't know about you but normally when I read that verse- well it sounds like the Egyptians are gonna know that God is all big and powerful and mighty- and I think that's part of it- but it says they'll know he is the LORD- He is not only revealing who he is to the Israelites, but also to the Egyptians, isn't that interesting- that doesn't mean the Egyptians all suddenly realize he's God and change and start believing in him, but He not only revealed himself to his people, but also to the egyptians. After what he did, there could be no doubting - to the rational mind at least- that their God existed..... Oh, and here's one more interesting verse: "They said tho them 'The LORD look upon you and judge! You have brought us into bad odor with pharoah and his officials, and have put a sword in their hand to kill us.' " Isn't that ironic- they didn't understand and said the lord judge you- and yet moses and aaron were doing exactly as the lord had told them to do. 2 things, don't worry so much about criticism from others.... secondly, don't be so quick to judge- you're not God after all....

crazy

Sometimes, I think I'm slightly crazy. Why in the world do I want to study in another country? Why can't I just stay somewhere where it's more comfortable for me? Why....?....... And then I remember that I'm not actually the one in charge of my life anymore. I'm glad that I am no longer content to sit around and be "comfortable". I tend to learn less, be lazier, and generally not as nice of a person when I am content being "comfortable". So, maybe I am crazy sometimes, and should think myself crazy occasionally, but I have to say I wouldn't be the person I am and life would be much more boring if I didn't do slightly "crazy" things sometimes....

not the future, nor the past, Now

So I've been avoiding my blogspot......because my last blog was pretty serious and I don't know, I just didn't feel like writing anything on it. The last 3 or 4 days have been great. I was pretty upset thursday, and alot of friday too....although not really crying like I was thursday. And it was great, the thing that made the last few days so much better has been that I've been hanging out with friends, and just enjoying life. And something else. I guess I'm always looking for things that can be learnt from situations in life. Not that they necessarily happen for the sole purpose of teaching you things, but you can nearly always learn something worth learning from them. At least then you don't just take horrible things from life, you learn things. I should learn to be a better christian (in it's true meaning, a mirror of christ, etc...) We only have each day to do that in, and that is our whole purpose anyways, isn't it? Maybe this sounds really crazy, but can you really wait until you get to see God? Maybe something in this life makes us afraid of death... (but I don't think it's really death we're afraid of) I think we're afraid of the uncertain. It seems like, to me, the one thing people search for and want more than anything in this world is security. We just look for it in different things: love, money, a house, a family, job, fame, success, independence. But the one thing we can't prevent is our own deaths. We have no control over that. eventually we die. People don't like talking about it unless they have to. They think it's morbid. (which, I mean, I guess technically it is) Anyways, what I'm getting at, is if we have security (God) we shouldn't really be afraid of death, we shouldn't really fear the unknown.... Another point, and I probably haven't been doing the greatest job of this, is living everyday. I mean doing everything you can in this day to be christ. To be thankful, and kind, and realize that we live in now, not the future or the past. And to matt- thank you for befriending me my first half-week in Northern Ireland, and for the midnight run to the petrol station to get a some galaxy chocolate that you said I had to try. Thank you for helping to remind me that life should not be wasted, and that every day is a chance to be like Christ.

I've just found out a friend of mine from NI died today. In a motorcycle accident. Makes you do a lot of thinking. and I'm still kinda in shock. He was only 19. He knew God. I don't feel like writing. will leave it at that and ask that you pray for his family and friends please. Thanks.

A new book

Yesterday I started reading the bible -all over again, from the beginning. Maybe part of it was just the version I was reading it in, but I couldn't help thinking it was much better than any books I've read recently... the language, imagery, poetry of it,.... etc... (and I haven't even made the point that it's all true yet..) And.. It's all True! Anyways as I was reading, (and I kind of wanted to approach it this way) It wasn't like hearing all the stories you hear as a kid growing up in church, you know, where you're used to it all because you've grown up hearing it. It was almost like reading it the first time.... amazing... (not saying it wasn't amazing before, but...) Try reading it, actually reading it, like a book, not a text book, or like a book you already have memorized.... Try reading it like a new novel you just got, and you're so hungry to read it, you just can't put it down for the suspense, or the intrigue, or ... the truthfulness of it all.... Just thought I'd share that. : )

Everything

Here's a quick little something of a thought for ya : Jesus Christ. He is the only thing that makes anything worth having- or giving up.

Overwhelming dreams

I have another blog site, one which at the moment there's not much on. It's not for normal blogs, It's a start to what I someday hope to have as a magazine in publication. I got some stuff done on it a couple days ago. I added about 13 links. The magazine is basically going to be on dif. things going on in the world, what people can do to help, and what organizations are already doing. The concept of it is nearly like a missions magazine, except that I hope ( when and if it happens) that this magazine will reach a much broader "audience". And I realized something, again, the other day when I was doing all this. It's so easy to dream up a concept, to visualize things happening, it's another thing to actually go through with plans to help make them happen. It took me hours just to get together a list of organizations, their contact information, set up a new email address just for that, and add all the links to my blog site. I still need to print out an actual outline of my plans for the magazine, general information on all the organizations I have info for right now (that's gonna take forever) Then every week I need to find a story, do research and post it on my blogsite, with organizations and ways people can help out. That's a lot of work. But you know, dreams aren't worth more than the rubbish we throw out everyday unless we actually do something about them. Saying you're going to help people and going to make a difference isn't noble. Doing it is.

For or Against....Is it about what we think it is?

So I have a "myspace" - and someone posted a bulletin- it was asking whether you agree or disagree with same-sex marriage. Normally I don't respond to chain stuff like that- and there were already over a hundred responses...... But for some reason I decided to post a response also. Here it is:

127. Erin C. - against- To be honest, I don't always care too much what laws get passed and such, God is in control and I'm here to show others God's love not to get caught up in politics- there are more important things in life. I cannot, however condone something that the Bible clearly states as a sin. I no more condone people showing hate to others that they consider sinners- We are to show love to them. And in response to those who say that it should be allowed because they're "in love" or because it's just "love" I question whether you really understand what love is. I question whether very much of society really understands what love is- including many people who claim to be christians, who instead are very judgemental toward others. Our version of love has become very distorted and possibly some should look into the real meaning of it before claiming it as a defense. Secondly, In response to those who said "as long as it makes them happy" I question whether they really are happy living like that. I question whether anyone living in sin ( I'm not just talking about obvious sins, or "big" sins) who doesn't know God is truly happy. We were created with something inside us that is not truly happy- not truly satisfied with all the junk and crap and pain in this life- until we know our creator, until we know we are loved by someone greater than ourselves, until we understand why we are here- and until we understand that we don't really belong here. There is something else - what we've all been longing for- what we were created for. So, no , I do not agree with it at all, I don't agree with sin at all, but we all were (sinners)- at least at some point, - We should treat everyone with the love God gives to everyone- it is unconditional. But this does not mean condoning something which is wrong. It does mean loving the person though.

The 'world power'....of a broken world

I've been absolutely horrible about blogging the last few weeks, just haven't really had loads to write about I guess. I heard about the london bombings, and it's all very horrible... But their response compared to US responses to things that happen like that seem so different, I may be wrong, but that's what it seems like. It seems like everyone in the us flips out about stuff like this- especially the media- but it seems like people in London, at least, think what happened is horrible of course- but they aren't going to let it mess with their lives..... Wonder why it always seems (maybe it's just how the media portrays things) like the US is so paranoid about everything- It's as though they think "we've got to be in danger- of course they'd go after us, because we're the US...." Sounds pretty conceited if you ask me, maybe that's why they seem to like to go after the US- or maybe it's all in our heads- maybe when something terrible happens to us, everyone has to hear, everyone has to know, because , once again, we're the US- what about all the horrible,unjust things that happen everywhere else that never get publicity? Why does the US claim to be such a christian country, when so much of what we do goes against it? I'm not meaning to bash my own country- there are many things I love about it- but what kind of person are you if you blindly concede to all your country promotes for 'patriotisms' name? There are things higher than ones own country.... We are here to serve others, .... to be living examples of Christ.... The US claims being a world power- no doubt about that- They say we are an example of liberty, freedom, ..... all too true... WE are the world power- of a broken world, we are an example- of abused liberty and freedom- nonetheless we do have it.... and I agree, freedom is a great thing, but far too often it is ill-used. If we are going to boast of all the things we typically do- let the media boast of the US leading a broken world..., by examples of selfishness, greed, materialism, war, injustice, .... the list goes on, If we are going to boast about how "great" we are should we not also boast of how utterly broken we are- we are a part of this world and as the leader are no greater than the weakest and worst of it. As the leader we have the greatest chance to do the most harm or the most good. How will America be remembered when so much of what we promote contradicts what we do? Maybe we could use a little humility...... to help lessen the pride.

YaY !!!!!!!!!

well, still haven't heard from queen's - But - I got a conditional offer from uni. of ulster- they just need proof basically that I have the money to go.... !!!!! How exciting!!! but I do still hope to hear from Queen's soon, it would be my first choice of the 2........ !!!!! just happy I finally heard something awesome.. : ) Anyways, I think I'm gonna go enjoy watching the fireworks down at the lake, since it is fourth of july and everything.... Cya all later.

So, nothing much is happening here at the moment. I'm playing the waiting game, since I should be hearing from Uni. any time now. Plus, it's still roasting outside- and is supposed to be for this whole week- again. Please pray for me about Uni. and everything else surrounding that whole thing and coming back. Thanks,

Oops...

I can't technically say I had a bad day, since it wasn't tragic or anything- but it definately wasn't my day- if you get me. I woke up and was still tired and didn't feel well at all- got ready for work, spent most of work (we were really busy today) not feeling well. Then I got my finger smashed and cut (my own fault) and it turned a lovely shade of violet and got much bigger than it should be in about a min. or 2. Well, the drama wasn't over, As I said, I didn't feel well all day-well, I nearly passed out- twice. Then I took the bus near to my dad's house, walked for about 15 min. and he wasn't home, and I couldn't get in the back door- and it's absolutely roasting outside, luckily he got home about 10 min. later. That's been my day so far. I just want to laugh at myself and take a nice long nap. Ah, well, at least it's nearly sunday...... no work then. And monday morning I'm probably going fishing. So the next few days should be nice.
Guess I really shouldn't complain, my day was fairly nice in comparison with someone else's day out there- and I know it. So at the moment I'm just enjoying sitting in air conditioning, and typing, and not doing anything besides that. The only bad thing about my finger (other than that it helps prove I am one of the most accident prone people I know) it's my pinky, on my left hand, I kinda need it to play my mandolin..... : ( Cya all later

..............

So, we're basically roasting over here again...... fun stuff. Anyways, still haven't heard from Uni. yet. I'm not a very patient person : ) But now that I know I could be hearing from them any day now-well how can you stay patient?? : ) . Everything else is going well, just up to work and church, not a lot else, although I did go shopping the other day. That was fun. Wow - this is going to be ashort blog, cause I really don't have loads to say as usual. Better get going, I have the day off work and I want to get some stuff done. Talk to you all later

LIFE

This morning the message at my church was really good. Learned a lot. I love it when you go back to certain words and see their meaning in greek, and the context, it gives you so much more insight. Anyways, just to post a few notes from it- it was on Philippians 4:4-9,

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!

⁵Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.

⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Meditate on These Things

⁸Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. ⁹The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
We talked mostly about v. 8 and 9. Here's some cool stuff:

True- made of 2 words in greek, means beginning of mystery
noble- (or honorable) in Greek means God-fearing, Paul was the only one to use it, and used it a lot even though he was persecuted so often.
Just-(or right) following the divine laws, to teach by evidence
Pure- Exciting reverence (that's one you wouldn't really think of together : )
Lovely- in regard to love (philadelphia)
Good report - (or admirable) Known for being good
Virtue- morally excellent- Gr. to lift up
Praiseworthy-about or at praises to God,
Meditate- ( involves something that is known as truth, not just thinking about something.)

Doesn't that shed a lot more on that passage? A really cool point was made- that's life- Real Life- LIFE as it should be and was meant to be lived.

unbelievable reality

I'm reading a book called Praise Habit at the moment, and it's actually quite good. I'm going to post something mind boggling from it (after I explain a wee bit of context so you know where it's comin' from) The writer is talking about how he has this friend who every morning reads an astronomy book- and says all the numbers about stars, and how far away they are and how huge everything is incomparison to him keeps him in line, realizing how small he is. And the whole chapter was basically about how we have this fascination for fame. Anyways, enough background here's the amazing quote : "It's brilliant -literally. I mean, whoever thought of stars shining is ridiculous. I'm all excited about whoever took these pictures ( of galaxies, stars, etc...) but whoever blew that thing up to begin with, now Him I've got to meet. If I'm ever in the same rom with that Guy, I will not be cool. How could I? And what if our eyes met and I was found out? What if I looked up and saw Him running right at me with His arms spread wide and a torrential smile that would turn dry deserts green? This would be unreasonable. There is no justification for the Dreamer of it all, whom the cosmos and the grass in April and the stream swollen with snowmelt and the baby grabbing your finger and the laugh of kids in kindergarten and the smell of jasmine speak about, to be running toward me. That would be ludicrous. The universe has somewhere around 200,000,000,000 galaxies. In our galaxy alone there are about 100,000,000,000 stars, and there are over 6,000,000,000 people living and breathing right now. Why on earth would He bother coming toward me? I am tiny. I am a dot. Yet here He is with His heart in my chest and we're locked in embrace and I'm not exactly sure when it happened but something fired inside of me, and now my arms are around Him, and people are watching, and I will tell you about it. I don't think I can help it. No more than the stars in a black velvet sky can keep from it. " - Praise Habit, by David Crowder . You should read it.

This has to be quick, I'm heading off to Bible study in a couple minutes. Today was good. Feels great outside. Tried to call jonny and sharon, and heather happened to be there babysitting - so I talked to her instead. : ) Anyways, really must go or I'd post more, probably will tomorrow. Have a great day everyone!

It's very nice outside today. A little on the warm side, but not roasting like it has been. We're actually supposed to get some pretty bad thunderstorms this afternoon and on into tonight. I'm hanging out at my dad's house, planning on typing some more for my book underway- actually titled Great Lengths, just like my blog. kinda funny. So I've been having some strange dreams lately : ) . thursday night I think it was, I dreamt I was in an elevator, and for some reason it the cable broke or something, and it went plunging, except, somehow, we didn't die, - and it plunged for like 2 min. even though the building I was dreaming we were in was only three stories high. The next night I had a dream that I was in a house (don't remember which,) and snakes -there were like 2 or 3 were trying to bite me. but somehow one of them was a human but still a snake, (yeah, I know , weird ) And this morning I had a weird dream too, but I can only remember the very end now- some bug or spider or something landed on me and I was trying to get it off,then I woke up. I don't know what's up with the dreams- but the whole horror story theme needs to stop !! : ) Well, I'm gonna enjoy my day off, get some typing done, and just have fun hanging out. Cya all.

Storytime....

So there's this annoying woodpecker that comes around at least a few times a week. It likes the house. It always comes in the morning. It seems to think it's my alarm clock. I heard from a friend that wal-mart has these cool dart type things (bigger, they fly really fast, and they are rubber pointed, so they won't hurt) I guess they're only like a dollar each. I was thinking this morning that a few dollars would be a pretty sound investment in the future prevention/discouragement of annoying woodpeckers. Plus it would be kinda funny I have to say. Especially because it came back three or four times this morning and finally went away for good when it heard me coming out the door with a broomstick. : ) That was the highlight of my morning before church.
This is going to sound somewhat funny- but I had quite a surprise tonight. I went and made myself a p.b. &j. sandwich, and an orange for supper. later when I went to peel the orange , well, it looked fine, smelled fine, but the first bit I peeled away had some sort of black stuff- mold or something. It was disgusting. It got thrown into the bin. weird cause I had just gotten those oranges not even a week ago. Anyways, guess appearances can be decieving as to what's on the inside.
Earlier this week I went into a smaller bookstore downtown, got a book - with a big 'boring' title (an anthology of world liturature ) - (unless you're me who happens to like that sort of thing : ) Anyways, it's really cool. Well, first of all it's huge. But it has tons of stuff in there, ancient writings, you know the greeks, tradgedies and comedies, romans, up to a bit more modern stuff, like from the 16 or 17 hundreds. I was reading some stuff written by Marcus Aurelius. And it was pretty cool, he had a lot of wise stuff to say, especially compared to most of the corrupt roman rulers, granted, I don't know if he lived all of what he said, but he still said some amazing stuff. About living morally, getting along with our fellow humans, all kinds of stuff. It's almost like he knew there was a God out there.... it wouldn't make much sense to say the stuff he said about the gods they had. And yet, correct me if I'm wrong (i may very well be) but I've never heard anything saying he was a christian, or really knew much about it. I guess things like that, in all kinds of writings, show people had some sense, knew intuitively that there was a God out there, ..... Anyway, read some of his stuff if you get a chance. all for now. : ) Have a great day!

dishroom thoughts for the day...

Let me just say first and foremost- no, I'm not gonna analyze dishes today ....or really anything to do with dishes. : ) anyways,I have a headache- (I'm tired, I think I could've slept at least 2 more hrs. than I did without any problem) I was thinking today at work(while in the dishroom-hey, there's a certain peacefulness about it if you're in there by yourself : ) - about people- in general. You have to wonder, everytime you say something possible mean, or negative about someone- even though you may be "justified" in saying it- how will it reflect later? We don't know everything that's going on inside a person's head or in their life. Maybe that's why we're not supposed to judge- we aren't in the correct position to judge. We don't know everything about their lives, and most certainly not their thoughts, motives, or reasoning behind things. To be honest, we really do a very crappy job of understanding people most of the time. I have a friend that I haven't talked to for a couple of months from papau new guinea (png) (from kentucky mt. bible college) I think she understood this concept a lot better than most other people I've met. She knew there wasn't just the way people behave, or the things they do. There was the reason why ......... that is what she was interested in. you'll have a hard time convincing someone that what they are doing is wrong (if that's even you're place) if you don't even know why they act that way. It's almost as though by caring only about what they are doing- even if you may have good intentions- you are showing them precisely that- you only care about what they are doing- not them. If you actually take the time to learn why they are the way they are, you understand them better, and it also shows you actually care about them. You never know, people you meet may really just need someone to try and understand where they are coming from- so you can help them. I guess that's all my dishroom thoughts for today. Have a great day everyone! I'm still roasting over here. cya

Walking Through the Waking World

I was finishing (only had about 20 pgs. left) the book The Four Loves on Sunday night. The last paragraph is great. I love the point C. S. Lewis makes. He says that if you are aware that you are dreaming you are no longer perfectly asleep. I love that. A few lines earlier he was talking about having a place where love for God should be (inside us) but if we didn't have that, possibly all experiences could point to the place ( a God-shaped hole) where God should be, so that we become aware of the fact that something should be there.-I can't begin to put it as well as him- read the book. His last sentence: "but for news of the fully waking world you must go to my betters." I guess I've just been thinking about that a lot lately. There's a Switchfoot song called "beautiful letdown" - it's pure poetry. "It was a beautiful letdown the day I knew, all the riches this world had to offer me would never do, ...........I was tryin so hard to fit in, to fit in , til I found out , I don't belong here, I don't belong......" We were driving down this country road on the way home listening to this song, and I was thinking about that sentence C. S. Lewis wrote, about how if we know we're dreaming- we're not completely asleep any longer. And then I was thinking about the anology I like to use, which I'm sure someone came up with ages before I did. I love impressionstic paintings-(although I'm not the greatest at that style) monet, manet, van gogh.... and I think maybe in a way it's like we're in a painting like that, this dreamy type of world, and to us it looks ok, because we're accustomed to it- like when your eyes get worse and you don't notice it until you put a good pair of glasses on. But when we really come "awake" -to put it so- it will be the difference between an impressionist painting and what we term as reality. And we'll suddenly realize how "unreal" - if you get me- our reality was when faced with actual reality. with God. It doesn't surprise me that people love fantasy-type books, stories, movies...... Is there something inside us that longs for the fantastic ? It doesn't surprise me , because we live in a fantastic world, we just don't always realize it because we're so accustomed to it. We are part of a fantastic story-one that all the great fantasy stories don't begin to rival. Do you think sometimes people fail to see the fantastic in all the stories we were raised on or have read from the bible, as if it's some dry reading about how to organize a desk drawer, or some do-it-yourself book that we only take intrest in when something needs assembled. Why do we pretend like it's such dry reading- when if you actually read it- it most certainly isn't. - Back to our dream-world. Do you ever have times when you are so fully aware that there's something other than this world, something that makes everything here feel so fake, so temporary that you actually wonder why you are still sitting there thinking about it? It's almost as if you expect to be sucked out of this world immediately and confronted with actual reality(that you know is there) and then are surprised that you are still here. Those moments are rare, I can't say I have many of them- but when they do happen -it's as though you glimpse a sliver of what you were really made for. Nothing makes sense, but it's almost as though you understand it, by realizing you basically don't know anything. Maybe you could blame it on the fact that I love travelling- but there is something in me at certain times, something that fully and completely knows this is not my home. It's not my home. I get that I'm talking about slightly weird stuff- and that people don't often try to describe things like this (most likely because you don't really know what you're talking about, or how to put it correctly, and at the same time are probably making yourself sound very much like an idiot. I'm usually good at that : ) but there's such a lovely mystery about it. I think it's important that we realize we're "dreaming" , it gives us the right perspective for the day. I hate it when people try to pretend as though they know everything about God, about heaven, they rationalize it down, turn it into something that's not a mystery at all- (there is a balance, ) I think they lose something beautiful. With our world of definitions, lists, steps, we get caught up. We forget that we are only temporary, that we weren't meant to stay in this world. That changes everything. It does if we actually believe it and don't just claim it. But to end with better words than I could claim, " for news of the fully waking world, you must go to my betters"

34

It's pretty warm over here again today, and it looks like it'll be that way for the rest of the week. (just for all of you over in NI that don't know what 93 degrees farenheit is- I looked it up- it's 34 celsius- sound just a wee bit on the warm side?? ) Anyways, I'm enjoying my day off work for this week. I probably won't end up doing a whole lot. Gotta go....

Untitled..........

If anyone is wondering about the weather over here........It is absolutely roasting... I think I got spoiled over there in NI. It's over 90 degrees(farenheit) I'm not exactly sure what degrees that translates into for celsius- but I can give you a one word description:HOT. Oh, and did I mention the fact that Illinois is humid too? Not a good combination. One without the other is bad enough. - ok- off the weather- (so long as I don't melt)
So I had a cookout today. my brother, casey, a few friends from work. It was fun. Although it would have been nice if more people could've come, but it was fun just hanging out. And I guess this led to a quite random subject- more or less that, and the song playing in the car as we left. And it was a sad thought. You know, we all have choices as to who we are while we live this life, what we do with it- why we are here- our purpose for doing (or lack of) all that we do. I'm a christian (despite things I disagree with that are done under that title- the title merely reflected the fact that those who called themselves (or were called christians were imitations of Christ)). The reason ( at least for all the good stuff) I live how I do , why I live is because I love God ( because he loves me) . I can be a good influence to all the people I chose, I can show love to them, listen to them, be their friend, tell them about God- everything short of making them become a christian. Because you can't do that. Now, this is one of those obvious statements that I'm sure many of us have known for ages. But you can't make someone become a christian. God gave us free will- to chose, and we are able to. This is the sad part-which I'm sure you know about, but it hits alot closer to home when it's the circumstance with people you know or are close to. There are some truly amazing people out there, and not every one choses to follow Christ. It's sad. We don't really ever know whether they will or won't and we probably don't ever know the full impact we do or don't have on people- which is why we should never give up. I guess it's one of the topics you don't like to think about.... It makes me feel sick, It makes my heart feel horrible ( not in the physical sense) So many peoples lives wasted , not knowing there's something better, something we were meant for , something I can't properly descibe. And so many people that make the choice that they don't want anything to do with Christ. It's sad. actually beyond sad. If I had any recomendations for a book (other than the bible) about this it would be the great divorce. Anyways, don't give up, and don't tire of loving others, there's always hope.

wow, I can't believe it's June. I'm having a good summer so far- mostly because it's not scorching hot yet, but everything else is about the same- just work mostly. : ) I'm faxing my ACT scores and my diploma tomorrow to Queen's. I would write more but I don't really have time. cya

Gone

There's a Switchfoot song called Gone (at least if I remember right that's what it's called) anyways, my brother gave me a ride to work today and had that song on, which we both love. I was sitting there at like 10:30 this morning listening to it- and basically it talks about not wasting time, cause today will soon be gone. One line is : life is a day that doesn't last for long.... And that seriously put me in the right attitude as I went into work. Life's too short to get caught up with all kinds of petty things and to get upset over dumb stuff. We'll most likely regret time that we wasted on that kind of thing. We might as well spend our time doing something worthwhile, and something that makes a difference or helps others since we have so little of it. I think that would be the perfect song to wake up to everyday- a nice reminder why we're here- and not to waste any of our days.

Wavy Trees and Childish Dreams

I was just looking out the window, watching a massive tree (the top of it) blowing in the wind. I don't actually know who originated the phrase "leaves dancing in the wind" but it was a pretty acurate description. I've been thinking about where I am now, what it was like when I was a kid. The last couple days I've been adding to my book "great lengths" and because of what I'm writing about I keep remembering things from like a few years ago. It's interesting how your perspective changes. It's almost like you go from childhood to adult without ever realizing when or how it took place. I bet when I was a kid I didn't really have any clue I would be where I am now. It's funny how when you're a kid you don't even worry about things. Like when you say you want to become- i don't know , an artist, kids don't worry about how they're going to get there, about whether they'll make enough money to live, or any of that stuff. They say they want to be something when they grow up and not the slightest doubt occurs in their mind as to whether they will be what they are claiming. It's as simple as saying they want to be something and then becoming that. We find out later however things aren't usually that simple. Maybe that's why so many people never get to that point. It's not simple to them. Instead of trying they give up in face of all the obstacles, when they realize there's more to it. Then some people simply change their minds and find something means more to them than the thing they were pursuing. That's great. But I do think people too often give up and settle for something God maybe never intended. There's nothing wrong with being simple, not being great in the eyes of the world. There is something wrong with giving up dreams, things we were supposed to do, simply because they were too hard. Because they weren't as easily accomplished as we first anticipated. We learn nothing that way. Sometimes things aren't as complicated as we think. Sometimes I think kids are the wise ones, not us. I think we tend to look at all the stuff we have to do to get to a certain place(whether it be a job, etc...) and we see all the stuff that has to be done, all the stuff standing in our way. I think kids see it and think that's where I'm going to get to, all I have to do is get there. Possibly they see where they want to end up, we see all the stuff in the middle we have to get through. on that note I think I'll end other than to update.

Our old youth pastor, his wife and kids are in town today, and are having a small cook-out at Gladys' house tonight. It'll be great to see them all. It's been at least a year and a half since the last time I saw them. Their kids are gonna make me feel old. Their oldest is 8. I remeber when he was born. It's just weird. : ) Should be good fun to hang out and all that. waiting to hear from both uni's about the test, and acceptance. Cya all later.

The War

I was watching the news this morning, and they were talking about a soldier who died in Iraq. He put his helmet over a grenade that was going to go off to save the others. I don't agree with the war, and personally I don't see why we went over there, but now it's like we're stuck there because we did go over. The really sad part is that you have people like this soldier who died- doing good things and then you have other soldiers accused of being abusive and doing horrible things in war (which I'm sure some of them probably did, how do you expect people to act when they are trained to kill? ) Anyways, this just brings up another reason why I don't agree with it- you watch the news and see all these soldiers killed- most of them in their early 20's-it's one of the saddest things I've seen. The government says they are over there defending democracy.....when was Iraq accually ever proven to be a threat to us? And since when has the government of the US actually lived up to all the ideals we claimed- with the motives we claimed? The US is hypocritical just like most other countries. We do some good, we do some bad. I just think it's sad that so many people have to die, US soldiers, other soldiers from countries that only sent them because we sent ours, iraqi's who didn't necessarily do anything. They aren't all rebels, I'm sure there's been many normal citizens killed, there always are. We created chaos in a country, which was better, how it was, or how it is now? Well, we can't go back. And all this because they(the soldiers) were told to go to iraq- and they obeyed. Obedience is costing them their lives, and we hype up and glorify the war by saying they are defending us, defending our liberty. War shouldn't be hyped up, it shouldn't be promoted in any way- it's horrible, that's all it is, and I wish it didn't happen. I feel bad for the soldiers, and unless they're the ones doing horrible things, I'm not going to critize them, but I'm not going to promote what is going on over there either with a surge of nationalism. I'm just going to feel sorry for them and hope they come back alive, and not so scarred by war that they can't really live. As for the president, it's not my place to say whether he was or is right or wrong, I'm sure he knows the answer- and he has to live with it. What will the history books say about this 50 yrs, 100 yrs. from now? will our "defense of freedom" still be 'glorious' then? I wonder.

smelly lakes at sunset

Ok, so that's a bit of an odd title for a post......intrigued? So, a lot of days I'll ride my bike down to the lake (it only takes about 5 min or something around that.) I do all kinds of things. I paint or draw sometimes. Other times I'll bring a book, or my bible, and just read for a little while. Sometimes I just sit there and enjoy being outside. And everyonce in a while when I go down there, there's all these fish-mostly wee fish- that aren't worth fishing for cause they're too small, but you occasionally see some larger ones too. And I have to admit it's amusing watching them. Once, I went down to the lake to paint, and ended up sitting there watching fish the entire time. I also have to say- through experience- fish can really be quite stupid. Amazingly stupid. Here are some excamples: When I went fishing about a month ago my brother caught a fish but it was a wee bit too small to keep- so he threw it back. A little while later I caught a fish- and we found a wound from where john's hook caught it.- It was the same one. Later I caught another fish - we never found out whether it was the same one- but we had our suspicions. Getting caught three times? wow. example number 2: At rock springs park (right outside of Decatur) At a big pond they have there- you can spit and the fish think you're trying to feed them. Last time was more fun. I threw 3 or 4 wee bits of paper into the water and watched all the fish go at it. They would realize it tasted bad go away - then come back again not even a minute later thinking somehow it would taste different or something. oh , it was funny. example 3: the other evening I went down to the lake and was trying to get a fish out with a stick (really, I wasn't doing the whole cruelty to animals, I wasn't gonna hurt it : ) You'd think they'd get the point and start avoiding the stick in the water. nope. Those are my fish stories. So I went down to the lake yesterday before sunset- it smelled bad. Anyways, I was just sitting there, thinking. What a beautiful thing a day is. You have the sun come up in the morning, go down at night. Full of moments, we have memories from each one. I don't think any of us fully appreciate the value of a day. Whether good or bad. All the chances and opportunities it holds- to be able to appreciate something, to be able to say a kind word, to enjoy something, to do something for someone else, to have fun. Maybe every morning I should take the time to actually think what I can do with my day, and to be extremely grateful, thankful for it and the opportunities it holds. Far too often I am not.

update

I feel like I haven't properly written in about a month- so here's to update everyone (that's if anyone actually reads my blog site : ) ) over the last week: I applied for more courses at Queen's and Uni of Ulster, I spoke to them on the phone, they are reconsidering me for English as long as the ACT (college entry test over here) is accepted as an equivilent, or as long as I can take one and send them the results- how "awesome" is that ??!! (plus I did well on the ACT - so I won't be too worried if they accept that) I got my financial aid from over here- to transfer over there worked out- and I need to wait til I find out whether I've gotten in to apply for my student visa- but I did look that up- and the requirements and all that. Plus I'll probably be starting a new second job soon. That's about me caught up- oh yeah, and my brother is on holiday this week- he went down to the smoky mts. and then to the ocean- (not fair !!! I miss mountains and the sea- Illinois is so flat : ) That's about it.

Wow

Wow, I have been absolutely horrible at blogging lately. sorry. The last month has been full of disappointments for me. And to some extent disappointments always get you down - at least some. The last week or so, some stuff has become more clear, some stuff - I'm still just as uncertain about. I still have a lot of stuff to get done and to plan, but it seems as though things are starting to come together...... guess I'll see a few months down the road.
wow, I'm just so excited about some stuff- it's hard to really write much. I don't know what the future holds for me, but at the moment- I'm looking at certain things and if they happen, or if they don't and God leads somewhere else- it's like the only thing I can do is stand back and say "wow, is that really what you have for me? " and just be amazed. I guess that's how I'll spend today(my day off work) - in awe. I can't think of any better way to spend it.

not much

It's been awhile- I figure it's time I updated. It doesn't usually take much to get me talking though.... so here goes- firstly- all the stuff I've been up to recently: had an interesting day at work- to say the least. The weather is getting hot here and I'm wishing I had nice Irish weather. (even if it is weird) I am still trying to get all this stuff together for going back over in the summer, and for trying to get into uni. My friends finally are coming back for the summer to Decatur- from uni. so that'll be nice- more people to hang out with. umm.... I'm sure I had more to say- but don't remember it at the moment. I would write something worth reading -but at the moment don't have time- so hopefully I'll catch a chance later tonight. for now that's all.

Ouch!

Sorry, my apologies for having neglected to write lately. A lot has been going on. mostly just busieness. Some of us from church went out to Allerton park today.(pretty cool if you've never been there) It's one of my favorite places to go. Anyways, I managed to injure myself. I sprained my ankle pretty bad. So now I'm limping around.
I guess I haven't really written much lately for two reasons. - one, I haven't had time or really access to a computer much lately. And the other, I just haven't felt like writing much..... It's a bit unusual for me really. I'm sitting here contemplating a lot of stuff. But just not figuring out how to write it. There are limitations to the English language.
I'm human. I'll never really figure out all of God's reasoning behind things. Actually, I'll probably understand very little of it. There's very little comfort in not knowing things or reasons. Mostly, we tend to run from the uncertain. There's so much comfort in not knowing things yourself but knowing someone who does.
To you guys in Northern Ireland. I found out I didn't get in to queen's either for english. I can still apply for 4 more on ucas. I'm going to contact both universities and try to find out why I wasn't accepted. Then I might apply for courses that are similar that still have openings. I've decided not to give up yet. Still plan on coming over for a couple months in the summer (although I'll be down south a lot) Hope everything is going well for you. miss you all. (Is the weather nice in Belfast? ) : )

Drama

I had an interesting week. Thursday especially. Got in a car accident, (I was with my dad, he was the one driving) but at least we didn't hit the other car. We were going through a light and I guess it was just starting to change, this lady in a white car was waiting to turn onto the highway - and floored it the second her light went green- didn't even see us in front of her. I'm still not sure how we missed her, anyways, we skidded because of the brakes and turned onto the railroad tracks- the part not made for cars to cross. We ended up with only like a couple really flat tires, and some stuff on the underside of the car messed up. No one hurt. Which is amazing to me because even though we didnt hit the other car I don't know how we missed hitting all the poles that are right by that intersection. Definately makes you feel happy to be fine. I don't remember if there was anything else all that interesting this week that happened. It was very cold yesterday. It actually snowed (flurries) at one point. that was odd. I'm going fishing tomorrow morning at like 5 or 6. I don't have to work.
I started writing more on my book (the non-fiction one called Great Lengths) and it's going well. Other than that I'm just enjoying spring. It's so much fun to be outside. Today I spent the entire afternoon after church this morning until church tonight outside. We went walking/hiking, and were goofing off the entire time, I found out I'm not that great at swinging on vines- but there's always room for improvement, right? : ) and then we went walking around downtown to try and find a cool building that might work if my brother ever decides to open up a restaurant (and can get everything for it.) It was a nice day overall.

I was listening to music this morning. Jars of Clay Who we are instead (although their first cd, like 10 yrs. ago was the best) . There's this one song, (number 9 on the cd if anyone's interested) and I was listening to it- and I love how music- at least for me- can really help your day. Of course I'm one of those people that could listen to music practically all day long and not get that bored.
It's really nifty how, I've been living with my grandma, and I remember all these things from childhood. Like how big her yard used to seem. Or just other things around the neighboorhood or house. It's really quite funny. Everything used to seem so big and adventurous. I wish we wouldn't lose that when we got older. There's just a sense of wonder, and of imagination.
Well, as you've noticed I don't really have much to write about today. I'm going to write some (a book I'm writing, or trying to at least) and do some water painting before I head of to work today. And that's about it.

14:14

I put in the time-started writing. Now it's quarter-past 2. One more minute gone in the day. I used to wonder, if we weren't always so obsessed with trying to save time, would we seem to have more of it? Or at least a better time? Typically I have the "best time" when I am completely unaware of what time it is or how much time has passed. If you're too busy looking at the clock, how do you enjoy yourself? Certainly we have reasons for keeping track of the time, and some of them are quite good. So that you're not late for work, so that you don't offend people by showing up 2 hrs. late while they waited (although if we had no way to measure time how could they be offended? you simply arrived when you arrived) so that when you're cooking (esp. for other people) and you have to check on something in a certain amount of time- you don't end up with bricks for bread, etc... although you would think you'd smell something burning by then. : ) I sometimes wonder if someone kept an account of all the time I waste everyday, every week, every month, until the end of my life, how high would that number be? (and I don't mean to imply that people don't need time just to relax, or time to think. I wouldn't consider that wasted time necessarily. I mean time that we spend doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, time that we truly waste when we still had the energy and strength to be doing something better or more productive, something that didn't just please ourselves. ) How much time would you have wasted? It's now nearly half-past 2. I will have taken 15 min. today just to write this. I kind of want to approach time the way money is approached (although slightly different). Don't care too much about it, give away as much as you can to others or the like. Realize it's there to be used on others, but that we won't always have it. So, in some senses, regard it as a paradox- Be concerned how you spend it- because you only have so much of it- But don't care too much. In other words don't grasp it. Don't use it all on yourself. Use it for others. But don't forget to enjoy it too. You might as well, otherwise life will be pretty dry.

bees

wow, I kinda like this Pink! It looks nifty! Anyways.... : ) Talk about beautiful outside.... It's felt like spring for the last 2 weeks, (or at least it seems that way) the grass is green again, the trees are starting to actually have leaves(that's always a nice thing) flowers, flowers, and, guess what? more flowers ! The only downside: bees. everywhere. I don't like 'em too much. Haven't been stung since-hmm...... oh yeah. a canoeing trip when I was like 15 or 16 down to current river missouri (oh the fun: ) and I was wearing yummy smelling sun-screen and evidently this one bee agreed with me. So much so, that it stung my knee, which by that time was already sun-burnt because of an entire day in the sun- despite the sunscreen. I remember smacking the bee off my knee, but I don't know what happened to it. I still retain that I was an innocent bystander- minding my own business. So anyways, I don't like all the bees. I've not been up to much today, I just feel like being goofy. The weather affects people ( I still say it has something to do with Decatur's air and water- if you're from Decatur you know what I'm talking about. -ad I don't think it's necessarily a good thing: ) So anyways, all you guys have a great day! Watch out for all those mean bees!! : )

Romans 5:5

"Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

My middle name

I had a really disappointing day yesterday. I found out that one of the Universities I applied to didn't accept me. So now there's one left- all or nothing. Beyond that I've had quite a few "bad" days lately, and things not always going according to plan. (do they ever? : ) I've always wondered if there wasn't something about my middle name. You see, it's as if I can let things get me down, but they can't keep me down for long. It was crazy, yesterday I was upset- and probably had a good reason to be. But in the middle of it, it's like God was reminding me that I've had a lot of times where things didn't appear to be going right, and almost everything I've done that has been what I was supposed to do- has never really been easy. In the end it requires me to just say "God, you know what you're doing- I've done all that I can on my end, and where ever you lead, that's where I'm supposed to be." I don't want to forget that going to college, going to Ireland, and then Northern Ireland and then going back has been hard. That's the only way it's beautiful. For me to see all the things that shouldn't have worked out that did. Oh, and by the way, what does my middle name have to do with any of this? My middle name is Hope. It' s always been kind of a reminder to me. Through all circumstances, when nothing looks as if it's going right. I always have that, and it doesn't come from me. It something from God that he's placed inside me. That is why I have trouble staying "down" for any long peroid of time. How can I when I look at everything that has happened in my life. What good reason do I have not to hope? God has never lead me wrong and never will. Whatever the outcome......

Glasses

I was reminded something late (or early depending how you look at it) last night. It is so easy to have a bad day or even a bad week. I didn't have the greatest week last week. I know why also. I let things get the better of me, and then, rather than talking to my best friend- I just let it slip. It's so easy to let whatever is going on in our lives get in the way of talking to God. If I had just talked to him about it the first day that I was having a bad day I might have had a better one the next day. Not because any of the circumstances would have been different, I would have just been viewing it all differently. Like putting on a pair of glasses God made for you to fix your vision- that way you can see things properly. I did end up talking to God about all the petty stuff that was bugging me throughout the week, but it would have been nicer if I had seen things with different eyes this whole week. It's far too easy to just think that we can even neglect a little time or a little conversation with God. It affects everything. Maybe sometimes we just feel quite stupid coming to Him with all our tiny problems, especially when we know full well that they are tiny, and so often stupid. But that's the thing, he needs our tiny, stupid problems or attitudes just as much, if not more than our big ones. It's so much easier (i think) to give Him the big ones. But it's the small ones that happen everyday and affect who we are to others everyday.

hope all of you in Northern Ireland are having a great week, and if not, try talking to God, He's really the only thing that will help.

blah....

That's about how I feel today. : ) A one word description that says a lot. The weather has been nice lately, although I'm hoping we'll get some cool thunderstorms soon, I've only seen one since I've been back home and to be honest it was a little disappointing. : ) I am glad it's finally spring!!! Other than that not to much going on at the moment, although I wish there were more. Have you ever had the problem of getting too many job offers and none of them will work? (not enough hours) ? It's definitely a new problem for me. But I'm sure something I can get about 40 hrs with, plus 10 or 15 with the job I already have, will turn up soon. well, I must run, otherwise I'd write more. Miss everyone in Northern Ireland.

Sunny Days....Keepin the clouds away....

I don't actually plan on stealing Jars of clay lyrics for my post titles- today it just fit. : ) It's been nice this entire week so far- and is supposed to be for the rest of it. I went on a long bike ride today- ended up being about 15 miles- tiring, but it was nice. It's about 75 deg. (farenheit) (and insanely windy) I'm not sure what that is in Celsuis- It's nice. Like summertime over there. Tonight we have bible study for the teens at my church, which is usually good- and a good chance to hang out with them and see how they're doing. That's my day. quite relaxing, I didn't even have to work. I get my pic's back (the ones from Belfast) on saturday. I'll probably posst some soon after. Sorry for the random-ness today, This is what spring weather does to my head. I'm addicted to the outdoors. Well, since I've nothing very serious to actually say- or funny for that matter- That's all for today.

China?

I have a friend who, among other things, served as a great reminder today when I read my email. She was planning on taking a gap year come autumn to China. She was getting everything organized, and from what she said, it was sounding as though it was going to work out. Then came the blow. She found out they had changed the age to twenty, which she isn't. She was really disappointed. She still has a spot though, for a six week trip in the summer. I don't know if that's what God has for her or not, but I think it is a reminder that so often we think we know how things are supposed to go, so often they don't go completely to plan. I told her that I think she should go along with the summer thing unless God shows her otherwise. Maybe he does want her to go to China, maybe just not exactly how she thought. Maybe she will take a gap year, just not yet. whatever it is-God always leads us. He will show you eventually the things he has for you. As they say - patience is a virtue. (which I probably don't posses much of myself.) But it's also about trust. I can't answer her question about China. Actually, I can't even say what God has for me a year down the road. But I do know that God will lead me, he'll lead my friend who wants to go to china. And he'll teach us all not to be afraid when we don't always know, he'll teach us more and more how to trust him and see that he leads us in every tiny part of our lives. He doesn't lead wrong. So, is it China? I don't know and can't tell her, but God does, and will tell her "all in good time" - that's all that matters.

Salad Maker.......

I work at an italian restaurant in my hometown of Decatur called "Pastabilities". Most of the time I'm in the back (kitchen) on salads and cold prep. (and occasionally the dishroom helping out- I get bored if I'm not busy) So one of the guys who works there the other night was like "why are you always so cheerful? Don't you ever get mad?" which quite honestly, I'm not always cheerful, and.... I do get mad. But the amazing thing is for someone to notice a difference in you. Then when you tell them why (my reasoning being I know God loves me, so that makes it easier for me to love others and the situations I'm put in, and also that I'm so much better off-even on my worse days than so many other people) it's not just words you're saying to them, it's words you are living- and they are so much more likely to see that it's true, than if you were to just say words to them. I just love the fact that it doesn't so much matter what place in life you are, in every single thing you do- even if it seems utterly insignificant- you have the opportunity to do something for Christ. You have the chance to love people because you know he loves you. And every time something like that happens- wow, what can you say? It's just so amazing what God does in us. I love my job. It's not always the greatest- and usually involves working quite hard, and not doing the greatest jobs- but I am the only christian there (despite many very nice people) that I know of- and what a chance it is to show love to other people, just by smiling, saying something nice if they're having a bad day, helping out and working hard in their area, saying it's okay if someone else wants to go home early even if I just got asked if I wanted to(and I did) . I'm not saying I always do all these things, but sometimes, and I try to as often as I can. What an opportunity. I am not just a salad maker.


I'm still reading in Jeremiah, and so often I am amazed. You have God's people- who have gone above and beyond the call of duty to do anything and everything to provoke God's anger. Then you have God. He takes forever to get mad at them. Then when he finally does, He tells them what's going to happen, actually he even gives them the chance to repent. But you know what gets me? He tells them, through all this- that through what happens he will reconcile them to himself. He will restore them to where they should be. So you have this people, who deserved to have been punished for their sins long before they were, and a God willing to do anything to bring them back to him. He tells Jeremiah all this doom and gloom to pronounce to the people but doesn't stop there. No, he tells them he will bring them back, that through this he will restore his people. His people who don't deserve to be treated anywhere near that well. He still loves them through everything. His heart breaks over them. He hasn't changed. His heart still breaks over us today. He still loves us unconditionally, shows us mercy beyond what we can comprehend. He was willing to do eaverything to reconcile us to Him. We owe him everything we are.

Spring....not quite yet. : (

Well, the last few days have been quite nice, so I thought spring was nearly here. But today it's a wee bit colder, so I guess it's not quite here yet. I don't really have much to write, I'll just post a part of Jeremiah 31 that I read yesterday. It's really beautiful.

³¹"Behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, ³²not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the LORD. ³³But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. ³⁴And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."

Miss all you in Belfast and Bangor. Hope everyone has a nice day.

Sunshine.....it's been a long time

Well, Happy St. Patrick's day. I think the weather and other things may cause me to neglect writing today. And at the moment- I honestly don't care. I want to go outside. The weather is beautiful. Another nearly cloudless day, the sun is out, and it feels great. I'm gonna go enjoy it while it lasts. Cya & hope the weather is just as nice for all of you.

different roads and many to travel

different roads and many to travel
time will whisper which was followed
solemn, joyful, torn and battered
Each has revealed its purpose at end.

I find it amazing how different our lives can be. No single person has the same life, detail for detail, moment for moment. It amazes me how astonishingly unique we all are. God has a different path for all of us and yet each still leads in the same direction (so long as we chose to take it) : to Him. We all go through different things so that in the end we may know Him. In the problem of Pain -C.S. Lewis says:
"The christian doctrine of suffering explains, I believe, a very curious fact about the world we live in. The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God witholds from us by the very nature of the world:but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ectasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bathe or a football match, have no such tendancy. Our father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."

All of our lives are so different, but most are scattered with some sorrow and some joy. I think sometimes we may partly understand the purposes of some of our circumstances, during them or after the fact. One of the great things to me is that I can speculate all I want as to why this or that happened. In the end it will probably do me no good unless it helps me to realize that God has His own purposes that are beyond me. And quite frankly, I don't know what they are much of the time. Sometimes you only get so many answers, and in the end you're left trusting that God knows what His purposes are. And as long as you are doing as He tells you, following the road He sets before your feet, you don't always need to know why. It will be a beautiful thing when God fully shows us all of the "why's" to the roads He set us on.

loads of nothing

Not much to actually write about today, still kinda sick, just got off work and it's very nice outside today. My problem is that other than the bike ride over to my dad's house, I have nothing really to do, and on a nice day like this, (even if I am tired- and don't feel the greatest) I want to go out and do something. I think if I ever become a writer, I'm definately going to have to have a laptop or something, because there are going to be days where I'll just have to be outside writing-it'll just be too nice to stay inside and write. Well, what can I say? warned you today's would be loads of nothing. : )

iced tea and dayquil

So, I won't write much today, because I have a bad cold. If you were to talk to me you'd probably laugh, because it's one of those colds where everything you say sounds funny. Anyways, slept in today, got nearly 12 hrs. of sleep and still felt like I could sleep more. A little afternoon I went to Target with my brother to get dayquil sinus medicine so that I'll feel half way decent tomorrow when I go into work. There's a starbuck's in Target so we stopped to get something, and I thought I'd get a cup of tea, since I hadn't had any since I left Belfast. I asked for tea (forgetting I was in America) with milk and sugar in it. The girl gave me a slightly odd look, then said that there was sugar and milk over there (pointed) if I wanted it in it, so I just asked for it black. Here's the funny part: when she gave it to me, (a result of my being dumb and forgetting I was in America) it was iced tea. And all I thought was, "oh, yeah, I probably should've specified that I wanted hot tea." But I guess that's why I got the odd look when I asked for milk and sugar in my tea. That would be strange in iced tea. So, now I'm going home- to hopefully rest and feel better. Oh, and I did end up getting a proper cup of tea later today. That was nice.

LUV ........ and love

^"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

What is our perception of love? The world has so distorted what love is........ Sometimes I find it hard to watch movies, or shows, or read cards even, without being confronted with the reality of what love isn't. It's sad how people dress things up as love and in reality it is the opposite. I was in Belfast during Valentine's day. One day, like a week before valentines, I went into a shop and noticed some cards. One of them really caught my eye. I can't remember exactly what it said- but it was something like this: Love is... passion, lust, - well, can't remember the other 2 or 3 things, but it was basically a list of feelings, and selfish ones at that. I remember walking out of the store disgusted. I think it's a major problem that so many people have no concept of what love really is anymore. Do we define love ourselves? Or does God define love for us? In Romans chapter 12 it says:
⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited.

¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

If only we lived lives like this to others, if only I were consistent with loving others, so often I find myself only being selfish. So I will end with this:

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

It's all within our motives of doing things, and God helps change our motives. I want to do nothing except out of love for God, and through that-love for others. I want to be so compelled by God and who he is that when I do something for someone- I think of him-and- that that person thinks of him. That it won't be about what talents I have or lack, what I have achieved, or even who I am. That it will be about truly loving others, the way God loves us. I leave you with this to think on - when you feel inadaquate, when you feel you have nothing to offer, when everyone else is more talented than you or more intellectual, or anything... There is something we are all capable of offering with God, and it is the most effective and lasting of all: LOVE.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Bike rides and cold days

So, I learned a lesson today: It's easier to walk than to try and ride a bike with a flat tire. So, I'd reccomend to any of you out there who want to get in shape, just make sure your bike tire is good and flat and go on a nice long bike ride with it. : ) (and if you're still not satisfied, try riding it up a large hill like that. )
I came back home and it's still winter, everything is ugly and dead(and there's no snow) and it feels like no time has passed since I left. In Belfast when I left, the mountains by glencairn were a nice green, the flowers were all coming out, it may have still been a wee bit cold, but it didn't look dead. Today makes me wish I were back there so that I could go hiking up the mountain that I did quite often.
I really wish I had something interesting to write about today, but I don't. Some days you can write, some days, well you just write to write- and aren't really saying anything. Do you think that's a waste of words? I do. You can waste food. You can waste money. You can waste nearly anything, I think you can waste words too. It seems like people, me included, waste words all the time. We spend words on people- we talk about people, we hurt people, we talk about this and that, all the things we have accumulated, all the things we are going to do, where we've been, what we've accomplished. We talk about us. ourselves. How often do we talk to someone to actually get to know them? How often do we make small talk, or talk about something to someone just so that we may better understand where they are coming from? When was the last time I used my words to help someone? How often do we say words we don't mean, and how often do we say words that don't mean anything at all ? Don't use your words lightly.

T.V. Conversations

I once read a book where the author was talking about how he went out and bought a tv because he heard a speaker say that it rots your mind- stuff like that, and he thought it sounded like bliss, because he wouldn't have to think about anything while he watched it-good for relaxation. I think that is hilarious. I wish I could do the same : ) . My problem with T.V. is that if there's anyone else around, I'll usually talk to them the entire time a show is on, it's just there for background noise, I think. The other problem is that if I'm seriously watching TV- and not talking during it, I'm always analyzing things about it. I can't sit through any type of show without analyzing something in it. And then there are times when I have entire conversations with God while watching TV. I know that has to sound kinda odd, but I talk to him about the stuff that's on, and tell him what idiots we humans can be without even realizing it most of the time. And about all the stuff that happens, what I think about it, and ask him what he thinks about it, and watch how self-consumed we all are. T.V. is more of a learning tool than we realize (in moderation- I don't think I could take too much of it)
So to all in Northern Ireland- I started back at the restaraunt I work at today. It was fun, nice to see everyone there again. They say I've got an accent, although I deny it and they tried to coax me into saying "Where's me lucky charms?" I refused- to their disappointment. See how exciting Decatur Illinois is? : ) Actually, it also snowed today, but none of it really stuck and by about noon or so it had stopped. It really doesn't feel colder over here, but it also isn't nearly as windy as it is in Belfast. I hope you all are doing well. I guess that's all for today. Cya

Back home and away from home

Hiya, to all in Northern Ireland, and hi to all in the states. I'm back home at the moment - and away from home- all at the same time. Quite a feat? So, it's nice to see the sun in the the states, although I nearly miss the rain in Northern Ireland. It makes for a nice change though, at least for a wee while.
Anyways, I will apologize for my horrible punctuation in all my future postings to come- in advance. I just write, and probably won't give a passing thought to it.
It's always so interesting to come back to the states and realize again all those small differences between it and NI. just for an example, I decided to turn on the television this morning after I'd been up a couple hours (mistake 1 ) -just to flip through, to see if there was anything good on. So I'm fliping through all these channels (in which case I might add that we have like, massive amounts of channels on cable and there's still nothing worth watching on the majority of the time) and then I notice all these commercials, infomercials, etc..... and I swear I saw at least 4 different channels advertising for ways to lose weight. One of them seriously made me laugh, for a few minutes actually. It was advertising this thing that basically you put on and it covers your legs, waist, all that, and makes you look more "shapely" . I thought it was absolutely hilarious. Not only because they were showing pictures of before and after and there was no way the people weren't making themselves look as bloated as possible. But also, people will pay that much money or go to that much trouble just so they can still be lazy and look nicer. That's how our society is. They want to have all the benefits possible, without ever having to do anything themselves. Basically, in short, they, no , WE are SELFISH. It's apparent in so many things. So, to end with something light: all you's in central illinois- It's sunny outside- it's absolutely gorgeous. TAKE A WALK. ENJOY IT, and maybe while you're at it, do something nice for someone else, do something that's not just for your own benefit. Work hard for something. It makes you a much more bearable person at the end of the day.